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Monday, January 17, 2011

My patented baby-naming method for the ridiculously obsessive

5-10 Years Prior to Conception: Begin keeping a mental list of names you like.  Oh, and find a spouse to have babies with. 
Sign on the dotted line if you agree to be my Baby Daddy
2.5 Years Prior to Conception:  Work on naming your puppy, and agonize over which names to keep off the list because you MIGHT want to use them for a human child someday.
Fur Baby
6 Months Prior to Conception: Begin keeping a typed list of baby names on your iPhone.  Go back and forth between excitedly sharing the list with every person who walks by and suspiciously hiding the list from anyone who looks like they might be remotely close to childbearing age.

1 Month After Conception:  Buy a baby name book, download baby name app, and bookmark baby name websitesBegin adding and subtracting names from your master list.  Remind yourself to spend equal time looking at names for both genders.

4 Months After Conception:  Harass your husband into looking at name lists for the first time, even though he doesn't want to spend time on it until finding out the baby's gender.  Pout when your husband quickly vetoes some of the names you like.  

4.5 Months After Conception: Realize that you are 99% sure which female name you would choose if the baby is a girl.  Feel smug.

5 Months After Conception:  Find out that you are having a boy.  Lose feeling of smugness.  Make your husband study and talk about the boy name list within one hour of the ultrasound.  That night, threaten to lock your husband in a dark cellar until he reads through the entire baby name book.  Begin stalking the Social Security website to look at and record name popularity rankings for the last 10 years.  Rant at the SSA for not releasing the 2010 rankings until May. Fail to get a full night's sleep because you are obsessing.

5 Months and 1 Day After Conception: Send a list of names to immediate family members with strict feedback instructions:

Ok, I think we are ready for some name input. 
We would like to know if you:
-LOVE any of these names and want to vote for them
-really HATE any of these names and would be horrified if we used them
-can think of some horrible nickname that might be associated with any of these names
-know of a serial killer or famous person associated with any of these names
We are open to hearing your thoughts and opinions, but be a little gentle; we could still pick any of these.  We would prefer that you NOT vote against a name just because YOU personally have encountered someone that you didn't like who has it.  But,  you know more than one unpleasant person with the same name and think it's a trend, you can tell us.  For instance, a lot of my teacher friends swear that every Mason they've had as a student has been out of control.
The number next to the name is it's popularity rank in 2009.  (2010 ranks are not available yet)  
We look forward to hearing from you!

Carefully record the results as the e-mails come in.

5 Months and 2-5 Days After ConceptionWrite out each potential name with middle and last name; examine the initials for each name.  Discuss possible associations and unfortunate nicknames for each name.  Suddenly realize that while Will/William--which has been on your list for months--is a great name, "Will Smith" will cause people to make Fresh Prince of Bel Air allusions until you want to cry.  Cross it off the list.

5 Months and 6-10 Days After Conception: Google "[possible first name] Smith" for each option to see if there are any serial killers or other horrible people by that name.  Walk around everywhere clutching the name list like a security blankie.

5 Months and 12 Days After Conception:  Grudgingly cross three of your favorite names off the list because your husband has vetoed them:  Shane, because he has a negative association with the name, Quinn, because it would"always remind [him] of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman," and Rory, because "it sounds like a drunken slur, " which he exaggeratedly demonstrates ("Raaaaawwwwwwwrrrrrrryyyy") every time you mention it.  Pout even more.  Go back and forth between eliminating names and adding new names to the list.

5 Months and 14 Days After ConceptionGet the name list fairly narrowed down, and realize that there does seem to be a front-runner.  Feel glad that you and your husband and family members all like it, but lie awake worrying that the name is too high on the popularity list. Wail that you don't want your precious child to have to go by "[first name] S." throughout his entire school career just because there are four other [first name]s in his class.  Curse all of the other parents out there who have the audacity to like the same name.

5 months and 16 Days After Conception: Throw up your hands and decide to wait on finalizing for a few more weeks until after your two cousins have their baby boys and name them, just in case one of them is thinking along the same lines you are. 
So that's pretty much where we are now.  Are you exhausted just reading about all of this obsessiveness?  You definitely should be.  

Sorry that we don't have any name news yet, you may or may not have noticed at the top of the blog, I have added a "Pimp Our Nursery" Page!  Check it out if you are all interested in being a part of our nursery decorating dilemmas.  


  1. I decided last night you should go with Elijah so we can have Eliza and Elijah!

  2. Ha ha!! That would be so cute!! I'm sure they wouldn't get confused by that at all. ;)

    I think I actually had Elijah on the list at some point, but Jeromy thought it sounded too biblical or something...

  3. Ha, this is too funny! Naming babies is HARD, especially boy babies. You are brave to ask your family members for feedback. We stopped doing so after my mother-in-law said that one of our top boy name choices reminded her of the devil (Lucas - what?! lady, keep your opinions to yourself).

  4. I dont find this weird at all! am right there with you! I have stopped asking family for advice though because they dont like the names I like! AND, I Couldnt believe how long it took SS to post 2010 names! Ridic! You have a common last name too- so you dont want a common first name! Like- my maiden name was VERY common and mixed with a common first name- BLA!