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Thursday, December 30, 2010

Two things that made me very excited and then very disappointed. Bring your violin.

Don't worry; they're not TOO serious or sad.  They just made me grumpy.  And no, they weren't holiday inflatables.  They were just two items that seemed like they were sent down from heaven on a cloud for the sole purpose of my making pregnant self happy, but ended up falling sadly short of magical.

Seemingly-Awesome-but-Actually-Sucky Item #1
I generally LOVE Burt's Bees stuff.  I have a serious addiction to their chapstick that involves me having a tube stashed in no fewer than six places: in the bathroom vanity, in the bedside drawer, by my chair in the family room, in one of the rooms upstairs, in the car, and in my purse.  I used to keep several in my classroom, too.  I should probably buy stock.  Until recently, I trusted Burt's Bees unquestioningly, even if they did sell out and become just another brand owned by Johnson & Johnson.  So when I saw that they make a belly balm for the preggo crowd, I was, of course, thrilled.  It even had an adorable name:

Why yes, I thought, I would like to be a stretch-mark free "Mama Bee"!  My belly must have the pumkin seed oil and olive oil!" So I took it home, popped off the lid, and dug my fingers into.......something that reminded me of crumbly Vaseline.  It's so greasy that I have to soap and scrub my hands two or three times before I can touch anything.  And, "Frangrance-Free"?!!! Not so much.  Every time I open the tin, I feel like I have been transported back to the Wild West, where a Native American medicine woman has just handed me her special concoction of bear fat mixed with a pinch of ground-up squirrel bones and a hint of burnt buffalo droppings.  So throw it away, you whiner, I'm sure you are thinking.  Well, I can't.   I paid TEN  $%^# dollars for this little tin, so on my belly it goes EVERY. DAY.  Let's just be thankful the baby can't detect outside smells, or I'd probably be in for a lot more kicking.  Because it sure makes ME want to kick someone.

Seemingly-Awesome-but-Actually-Sucky Item #2
On Christmas Day, Jeromy and my parents and I went out for a nice holiday dinner in Colorado Springs.  It was one of those restaurants that has, in the very front of their menu, a long wine list and a selection of fancy cocktails with clever names.  I started reading through the cocktails descriptions, just to torture myself.  Somewhere between the Mountain Mint Lemonade and the Passion Fruit Cooler, I think I silently cried a little bit.  But then, at the VERY bottom....a MOCKTAIL!  It was supposed to be like a cosmopolitan without the good stuff alcohol.  I was practically bouncing in my chair when the waitress arrived, and had ordered the mocktail before my dad and Jeromy had finished reading the wine list.  I envisioned a pink, chilled, glamorous-looking drink like this:

But instead I got this:

I'll have the kiddie-cocktail, please.  Hold the sippy-cup.

  It was basically $5 cranberry juice over ice in a plain old water glass, without so much as a lime garnish.  Mocktail fail.  The worst part was that my mom ordered the same drink with alcohol, and SHE got the chilled martini glass.  I tried to give my best pouty pregnant-lady puppy-dog eyes to the waitress, but I'm pretty sure she didn't notice.  The restaurant did redeem themselves with dessert, however: poached pear in blackcurrent syrup with sour cream ice cream...Merry Christmas to me!  (And my blood sugar).


  1. Rebecca, you are hilarious! I am totally enjoying your makes me laugh like Jenny McCarthy's pregnancy book did...maybe you should publish it too! Looking forward to seeing if you follow the strong boy trend present in the Dobbie blood line...

  2. You're a better person than me! I used the belly balm like twice and then gave up - narsty stuff!