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Monday, December 13, 2010

The 1970s Called, and They Said Just Go Ahead and Keep Those Maternity Fashions. They Don't WANT Them Back.

A couple months ago, my mom came to visit and brought with her a few books that SHE had read when she was pregnant with me.  That she had saved them for 30 years is pretty amazing in and of itself; my mom, unlike me, is not a "saver" and is fairly diligent about purging old stuff out of the house.  
The books that helped bring me into this world.  Read on to see why that's kinda scary....

Your child from Birth to Two Years seems to be mostly about what toys will benefit your child's development at each stage.  I don't remember having any of the toys pictured, but that could be because the book, copyrighted in 1971, was already 10 years old by the time I was born, and toy technology had advanced considerably.  Or it could be because I was an infant and didn't have the capacity to remember much beyond what I had drooled on within the last hour.   The only thing that really jumped out to me in this book was that they recommend tying a string of bells inside your child's crib.  If you do this NOW, I'm pretty sure a Child Protective Services SWAT team will rappel from your roof and have you handcuffed on the floor before you can say "strangulation hazard."

Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

Now, the 1977 version of A Child is Born is the one that was REALLY fun/horrifying to look at. I didn't take the time to read over it completely, but I did come across a few excellent nuggets of wisdom:
  • "Alcohol is perfectly safe in small quantities.  An occasional glass or two of wine or a cocktail, will do no harm.  Smoking should be avoided.  It is not known whether smoking actually harms the fetus, but women who smoke often give birth to smaller babies."  Note that the book doesn't say anything about drugs.  Apparently crack is ok as long as you play it safe by not smoking, and only have a few (!!!) drinks.
  • "Few women use maternity girdles any more."  I don't know WHAT in world a maternity girdle is, but considering the fact that I can already barely stand to have even an elastic waistband across my stomach, it sounds like a special kind of pregnant hell.  Like things aren't uncomfortable enough already.
No thank you.
  • In the "Near the Time" chapter, the book describes all of the miserable, awful symptoms that the pregnant woman will be dealing with in the last trimester, and says, "She is in need of a little sympathy.  At home, her husband teases her and says she is expecting quintuplets."  So, just like all women get swollen feet and have a hard time standing up in late pregnancy, apparently all husbands make the same corny jokes and think they're funny.  
But the very best part about this book is the pictures!  Holy 70s hair, Batman.   Here are a few of my favorites:
This expecting couple seems to have taken a break from cutting out bunny shapes in order to admire the woman's incredibly high-waisted pair of preggo-pants.  She was so proud of them, she made sure to tuck her turtleneck in to the waistband so that nothing covered up their glory.

This lady is either REALLY enjoying her prenatal exercise class, or is REALLY pleased with her I-just-laid-on-this-mat-for-a-while hair situation.  Or maybe she just had her recommended "glass or two" of wine before class.

I think we're going to say that this woman is suffering from the infamous "pregnancy brain" forgetfulness.  The poor thing FORGOT to put on her awesome high-waisted pants before she left the house, and had to do her prenatal exercises in her undies.  Her baby needs counseling already.

Now, I have to tell you that some of the most entertaining/shocking/horrifying pictures are NOT ones that that I can post here.  Because I don't want to have to add the "Adult Content" or "Graphic Images" warning to my sweet little blog.  Let's just say that when I flipped to the last chapter of the book, Jeromy made lots of loud EWWW YICK noises and quickly left the room.  I was a little less traumatized, but DEARLY wished that I could send a good bikini waxer back in time.  For everyone's sake.

***GEMS FROM Jeromy***
The other night we were laying in bed and watching The Daily Show before going to sleep.  Jon Stewart (because he is brilliant and amazing) said something that made us both laugh.
Rebecca:  "Oww!  I just got a weird, sharp stomach pain!  What the heck??"
Jeromy:  "You were probably just getting your cord yanked.  You know, Doctor was like, "Hey!  Lights out!  It's bed time, Mom!"

1 comment:

  1. Okay, am I the only perv who reeeeally wants to see the photos that didn't make it to the blog?? This is hysterical!! Make sure to have your recommended glass or two today!